We need Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

by: Shaye Mueller

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. In order to understand why we need this month, we need to take a deeper look at the loss itself. 

Let’s begin by defining it. There are twelve types of loss including: failed IVF cycle, chemical pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, abortion, miscarriage, recurrent pregnancy loss, stillbirth, termination for medical reasons, selective reduction, multi-fetal reduction, and neonatal and infant loss. Each loss has unique characteristics that distinguish themselves from one another. And all of them carry their own burden of grief and loss. 

Often referred to as “the invisible loss,” pregnancy and infant loss can be especially difficult to navigate due to their prospective nature. Meaning, they deal with the grief and loss of what could have been. In contrast, retrospective loss is the norm of what we envision when we typically think of loss. Retrospective loss deals with the loss of what once was. 

As we take a closer look at how the two deviate from one another, prospective loss begins to get more and more complex. When a family endures pregnancy or infant loss, they will have less memories associated with this person and ultimately less to access during the mourning period. The child’s identity may become harder to grasp because they did not have the opportunity to continue becoming and growing. And likely, less people in the family’s community are aware of the prospective loss, which can lead to a smaller support system for the mourning family. These are just a few examples of why understanding the distinction between the two types of losses is so important.  

Understanding this loss becomes even more complex when you compound that distinction within the context of the culture we currently live in. Statistics tell us that nearly 1 in 4 pregnancies end in pregnancy loss. Yet, so few conversations about pregnancy include loss. Take a moment to pause here and think about how prevalent 1 in 4 pregnancies is. Does the pervasiveness represented in that statistic reflect your experience in the world? 

Despite the experience being so common, American culture still assigns pregnancy loss as taboo. The psychological impact of this taboo can further stigmatize, minimize, and invalidate the pain of grieving families. And while pregnancy loss is becoming less taboo as time goes on, we still have a long way to go. Context and culture are more reasons why Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month is so important to talk about.

In order to further our understanding, our next step is looking at the stories we tell. From childhood, we are fed stories from the world around us about what pregnancy is supposed to be. Pregnancy is supposed to be the most magical time in one’s life. We are told that pregnant people are supposed to have a glow and have silly cravings. Even schools of psychology have emphasized the importance of reproduction and told us that it is a developmental task of our lives. These tropes are some of many factors that influence the core beliefs we decide to adopt about our personal reproduction. It is important to note here that grief and loss do not look the same across all cultures. Wherever you are, your story will reflect the context of your unique experience. 

Each person has their own reproductive story about how the whole experience of having children is supposed to look. But very rarely in those pictures we paint do we include the heartbreaking possibility of pregnancy loss, infant loss, or infertility. This is because those experiences go against our stories about the natural order of life. Children are supposed to bury their parents, not the other way around. People are supposed to become pregnant and then nine months later, have a baby. This is the story that many of us have adopted. And this is why when pregnancy or infant loss does happen, it can cause a seismic interruption in people’s expectations, plans, core beliefs, and developmental tasks. Do you know what your reproductive story is? 

As I end this blog I want to remind you that you do not have to be alone through this grief. With the right fit, a therapist can help support you through the difficulties of pregnancy and infant loss. If you or someone you love is in need of support through the difficult time, please reach out to me today. 

Warmly,

Shaye