A love letter to all cycle breakers

By: Shaye Mueller

Dear cycle breaker, 

As a trauma based practice, the majority of people I work with struggle with carrying generational trauma, and are now being tasked with the responsibility of breaking that cycle of trauma. If this sounds relatable, you are what we like to call a “cycle breaker.” So what is a cycle breaker? A cycle breaker is someone who has decided to actively work towards breaking toxic cycles and patterns that have been passed down from generation to generation in their family.  You are a person who has decided to do it differently this time around in the hopes of something better. But breaking your generational trauma is no easy feat. It often takes a great deal of time and dedication down a road less traveled. 

In your journey to healing, you may have turned to the outside world for guidance or a starting place. Unfortunately, there is no step by step guide on how to break generational trauma readily available. So, many naturally turn to the internet. What you often see from online is a romanticized image of what it looks like to become a cycle breaker. You were likely told that you’ll feel empowered and stronger than before. That your life will change overnight. Or that all of your newfound boundaries, lifestyle changes, and goals will be respected. While all of these are possible with time and work, what these shiny idealized instagram posts don’t tell you about being a cycle breaker is that it can feel extremely isolating and lonely. 

On top of trying to change years of toxic patterns and trauma embedded within yourself, being a cycle breaker also tasks you with navigating the ripple effects of your change on your relationships. The cold hard truth is that you cannot change other people- you can only change yourself. Meaning, that many who become cycle breakers decide to do so- with or without their loved ones on board the cycle breaking train. Because when you become a cycle breaker, you cannot sign up your entire family system to become cycle breakers too (wouldn’t that be nice?). That is an unfortunate truth about breaking generational trauma. 

As the cycle breaker, you may often feel like a lone wolf in your journey to heal, and seen as the black sheep for disrupting the “status quo” of your family system. You may find yourself feeling disappointed in your loved ones for not seeing the light and wanting to change for the better. I see this bringing up feelings of unfairness, frustration, grief, and loneliness in my clients all the time. Many cycle breakers also experience increased conflict. Because you yourself are actively changing, the way you interact with your family or the roles you once assumed in the family system are changing too. An increase in conflict and misunderstandings is sometimes the result. All of this is extremely normal. 

At this point you may be feeling hopeless or overwhelmed by all that cycle breaking entails. Because aside from these two examples, you understand that what’s listed above is not an exhaustive list of the barriers that you will face as a cycle breaker. I don’t say this to scare or intimidate you, but to recognize the courage it took to take this road and all you’ve accomplished to get this far. Despite everything you’ve faced, you are still here trying. That feat alone is incredible and shows me that you are fully capable of doing this. I want you to know that this path is worthy of the work- You are worthy and deserving of it. I want you to know that I see how hard you are working to persevere despite all the obstacles in your way. I want you to know that there is hope to find a way through it. And I want you to know that I believe in you. 

To my fellow cycle breakers out there reading this: I see you. I see the hard work you are putting in. I see the commitment to do better and the sacrifices you’ve made along the way. I see the agony and grief of moving forward while others stay stuck in the past. I see you every day trying to do better than what you were taught. I see how intimidating this whole process is. I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling alone. This is a love letter to you, badass. 

Therapy can be extremely helpful in guiding you through the cycle breaking process. Here at Embody + Mind Collective, we specialize in helping you break your generational trauma and learn how to cope through it all. If this resonated with you and you’d like to schedule an appointment, you can do so here. 

In absolute awe, 

Shaye