By: Kat Boyne, LSW

Navigating parenthood is hard, and that feels like the understatement of the century. Sometimes, the English language just doesn’t do justice to the depth of an experience, and “hard” feels almost insulting in its simplicity. Yet, here we are. As I sit reflecting on what parenthood means to me, I feel it’s only fair to share my own journey. I believe in being the first to raise my hand because you never know who might be going through something similar. So, to you, the collective, my reader, I offer my story.

Growing up, I thought I had a “normal” childhood. I had my parents (Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!) and two sisters. My parents were together for most of my life, and even when they divorced, they remained a constant source of support, something I know is not everyone’s experience. I never doubted that they’d always be there for me. But what does that actually mean? How do we define what a parent is? What do they look like? What does being a parent feel like? What expectations come with it?

A quick Google search (because, let’s be real, who has time to pull out an actual dictionary?) gives us these definitions:

Parenthood – noun: the state of being a parent; the position, function, or standing of a parent.

Parent – noun: one that begets or brings forth offspring; a person who brings up and cares for another.

Parent – verb: to raise, to bring forth and guide to maturity through care and education.

Being a parent means having both the opportunity and responsibility to raise another human, to nurture, guide, and educate them with care and compassion. But parenthood comes in so many forms, and it’s important to recognize those differences so that those of us in nontraditional roles don’t feel so alone.

So I know what you’re thinking… “Kat, I know what a parent is. But what does it mean?” Fair point. You didn’t come here for a vocabulary lesson (though, shoutout to Merriam-Webster, you’ll always have a place in my heart). But words matter. Not everyone pictures the same thing when they hear “parent.” Even synonyms tend to list the typical, mother, father, grandmother, grandfather. But what about the Others? The ones who fill the role of a parent but don’t fit the traditional mold?

And that’s where my own journey into parenthood, full of unexpected turns, begins.

I always assumed my path to motherhood would be, well, typical. I’m a feminine-presenting, hetero-flexible (the flexible part is important) woman, so I figured if I wanted to be a parent, I’d do it the “old-fashioned way.” I assumed I’d be the one to carry and birth a child. That was the plan. But life had other ideas.

Enter: Aunt Kat.

WAIT. Aunt!? Full stop. That’s not how I understood this assignment! I wasn’t prepared. I had no clue what I was doing. I thought I’d get nine months to figure out the whole parenting thing, but instead, at 28 years old, barely managing to take care of myself, I found myself stepping into a parental role for my 10-year-old niece.

Let me tell you, there is no fairy godmother who swoops in, waves a magic wand, and suddenly you just know how to be a parent. So what did I do? I turned to books, forums, Facebook groups, friends, family, anyone who had even a shred of wisdom to share. But I struggled to find people who truly got it. The closest thing to my experience were foster or adoptive parent support groups, which helped, but still left me feeling like I didn’t quite belong. Imposter syndrome? Oh yeah, in full force.

For 2.5 years, I navigated hormones, homework, and housework, trying my best to be the support system she needed. I took what I knew from my own childhood, applied it, and adjusted as I went, sometimes successfully, sometimes with tears (from both of us). And what I learned? No one knows what they’re doing. We’re all just doing our best.

This was just the beginning of my motherhood journey, as the year that I took guardianship of my niece was the same year I was marrying my wife (this is where the heteroflexible comes back into play), who I later welcomed a little boy into the mix with. Some small details from that experience, which I plan on writing another blog post for, is that it too was off script from what I originally thought would happen. My wife carried our son, who we created using the wonderful science of IVF with an anonymous donor sperm, and let me tell you, even with over nine months of preparation, I was no more ready for motherhood to my own child than I was when I took on the role 2.5 years prior.

Things I Wish I’d Known Sooner

• Shifting from being an aunt to being the primary caregiver was way harder than I expected. The mental and emotional resilience it required was something I could never have done without my own support system, friends, family, and especially my therapist.
• Throw out everything you think you know about parenting. So much unsolicited advice is wrapped up in shame and outdated expectations. Pick and choose what actually aligns with you.
• Find your people. My first real “mom friend” was my teenager’s best friend’s mom. She held me up, guided me, and reminded me that I wasn’t alone in this.

My Go-To Movies When Parenting Imposter Syndrome Kicks In

The Wild Robot – There’s a line that hit me hard: “I do not have the programming to be a mother.” The response? “No one does. We just make it up.” This movie beautifully illustrates nontraditional parenthood in a way that deeply resonated with me.

Raising Helen – There’s an iconic moment where Aunt Jenny, facing a full teenage meltdown, responds to “Are you happy now? You just ruined my life!” with a simple, “Well, we’ll fix it later.” Chef’s kiss. I have definitely borrowed that line.

The Takeaway

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that no one has all the answers, but we don’t have to figure it out alone. Nontraditional parenting can feel isolating, but support is out there. Whether you’re suddenly thrust into parenthood, redefining what it means to you, or just trying to do your best, I see you. And if you need a space to process your experience and gain tools to feel more confident in your journey, I’d love to support you.

You can reach out to me at hello@embodyandmindcollective.com or 773-309-1542, or schedule a session here .

Sources: 

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/parenthood

https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/parent

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/parent