By: Tesa Emmart, LCPC, LMHC, SEP, PMH-C

The holidays come with so many expectations- some spoken, many unspoken, and most of them aimed squarely at women.

Suddenly you’re supposed to:

• make memories
• host flawlessly
• keep everyone happy
• give the perfect gifts
• attend all the events
• maintain the traditions
• not disappoint anyone
• “stay in the holiday spirit”

Meanwhile, you’re secretly Googling “why am I so overwhelmed” and wondering if you can cry in the pantry for a minute.

Let’s also clear something up:
Your holiday stress isn’t because you’re ungrateful or bad at boundaries.

It’s because your nervous system has a very specific pattern…something called somatic coupling, and it’s especially loud this time of year.

Holiday Coupling: The Invisible Rules You Didn’t Know You Were Following

Coupling is what happens when your body glues two experiences together, even if they don’t belong together.

During the holidays, these pairings get amplified.

Here are some of the most common holiday overcouplings:

1. “Saying no” → “Ruining Christmas”

Your system equates boundaries with disappointment…and disappointment with danger.

2. “Slowing down” → “Not doing enough”

Rest feels physically wrong because it’s tied to guilt.

3. “Not attending every event” → “People will be mad at me”

Your nervous system believes that connection = compliance.

4. “Doing things differently” → “Breaking tradition” → “Being the problem”

You learned that sameness keeps people calm.

5. “Taking time for yourself” → “Selfishness”

Being needed became the foundation of belonging.

6. “Asking for help” → “Being a burden”

You’ve been the emotional Sherpa for so long, the thought of redistributing labor feels unsafe.

7. “Feeling overwhelmed” → “I’m failing at the holidays”

As if joy is a performance you’re supposed to deliver on cue.

These pairings didn’t come from nowhere.
They came from earlier environments where your role was clear:

• be helpful
• be kind
• don’t upset anyone
• don’t have needs
• hold everything together

The holidays pressure-cook these roles.

And Then There’s Undercoupling…

During the holidays, many women also experience undercoupling- a disconnect between what they’re doing and what they’re feeling.

It might look like:

• decorating, cooking, gifting… but feeling numb or distant
• being surrounded by people but feeling alone
• finally resting but not actually feeling rested
• knowing your family loves you but not being able to take it in
• going through the motions, hoping the “holiday spirit” shows up at some point

This isn’t ingratitude.
This is your system going offline because the emotional load feels too high.

Holiday Exhaustion Isn’t About the To-Do List…It’s About the Nervous System Map You’re Using

When your body learned long ago that:

• connection = appeasement
• safety = making others comfortable
• love = self-abandoning
• rest = guilt
• slowing down = risk

then of course the holidays feel like an emotional marathon.

You’re not just planning meals and wrapping presents.
Your nervous system is busy trying to manage a dozen internalized rules you never agreed to.

Let’s Talk About Boundaries (the Body-Based Way)

Most advice about holiday boundaries lives in the land of scripts:

“Just say no.”
“Set limits.”
“Speak up.”

Sure. But here’s the real truth:

You can’t set a boundary if your body thinks it’s going to get punished for it.

Boundaries are somatic, not intellectual.

If “no” is coupled with:

• rejection
• conflict
• shame
• being a problem
• disappointing someone
• losing connection

…then saying no during the holidays will feel almost impossible.

Your body isn’t being dramatic.
It’s being protective.

What Uncoupling Looks Like During the Holidays

Here are some small, realistic ways to shift the wiring- gently, compassionately, without trying to overhaul your entire family dynamic.

1. Micro-rest

Taking two intentional minutes to pause before you’ve “earned it” helps uncouple rest from guilt and gives your nervous system a chance to feel safe in stillness.

Before unloading the groceries, sit down on the couch for two minutes, place one hand on your chest, and take three slow exhales. Nothing else. Just two minutes.

2. Low-stakes boundaries

Choosing one tiny, non-threatening “no” teaches your body that setting limits doesn’t automatically lead to conflict, disapproval, or disconnection.

Decline the optional cookie exchange or skip one event you don’t actually want to attend and instead send a simple, neutral text: “I won’t be able to make it, but I hope you all have a great time!”

3. Feeling your feet on the ground before you respond

This moment of grounding interrupts the automatic appeasement reflex and lets your body sense stability before you reflexively say “yes.”

When someone asks you to bring “just one more thing” to the holiday dinner, pause long enough to inhale and feel your feet pressing into the floor. Then answer.

4. Checking in with your actual capacity

Not the superhuman capacity you’ve been conditioned to perform, but the real, present-moment bandwidth your system actually has, which builds internal honesty and self-trust.

Before you volunteer for anything, silently ask yourself: “Do I have the capacity for this today?” If the answer is no, let that be enough.

5. Allowing one thing to be “good enough”

Because perfectionism is usually overcoupled with safety, letting something be imperfect…the gift wrap, the menu, the outfit, the timing…helps your nervous system learn that “done” and “safe” can exist together.

Use gift bags instead of perfect wrapping, order a side dish instead of making it from scratch, or let the kids decorate the tree however they want and don’t fix it afterward.

6. Naming your needs internally, even if you don’t say them out loud

Simply acknowledging your needs to yourself begins to uncouple “having needs” from shame, burden, or fear, and gently reintroduces internal permission.

In your head, say: “I need a break after this event,” or “I need quiet tonight,” even if you don’t communicate it yet. Naming it is step one.

7. Noticing the old rule that’s running the show

When you pause and think, “Oh, here’s that rule that disappointing someone equals danger,” your body gets a reality-check that loosens the old coupling.

When you feel the guilt spike after saying no, quietly say to yourself: “This is my old ‘don’t upset anyone’ rule. It’s from then, not now.”

8. Allowing moments of genuine joy, even if they’re small

Letting yourself feel pockets of warmth, humor, connection, or ease begins to recouple joy with safety instead of performance, obligation, or perfection.

Pause to actually taste your peppermint hot chocolate (or glass of red wine), listen to one song you love, or notice your child laughing and allow five seconds of enjoyment without “earning it.”

The Holiday Uncoupling You Actually Need

Forget the celebrity version.
The uncoupling that matters is this:

• Rest from guilt
• Boundaries from fear
• Your worth from your productivity
• Family expectations from your identity
• Other people’s moods from your responsibility
• Love from self-abandonment
• Presence from performance

This is the uncoupling work that changes not just the holidays, but your relationship with yourself.

A Gentle Closing Reminder

You are not responsible for everyone’s experience.
You are not the designated emotional manager of your family.
You don’t have to perform joy to be worthy of it.
You don’t have to keep every tradition alive.
You don’t have to hold everything together.

Your body learned these rules to protect you.
And you can learn new ones.