By: Tesa Emmart, LCPC, LMHC, SEP, PMH-C

Every year, the holidays arrive with twinkle lights, cinnamon-scented everything, and a massive unspoken pressure placed squarely on women’s shoulders.

You’re suddenly responsible for:

• the mood
• the meals
• the memories
• the magic
• the gifts
• the logistics
• the harmony
• the group chat
• the traditions
• the emotional temperature of an entire home

And you find yourself doing it, often automatically,  even when you’re tired, resentful, stretched thin, or counting the minutes until January.

There’s a name for this.

Good Girl Holiday Programming.

It’s the invisible script so many women run every holiday season… even when it burns them out.

Let’s talk about where it comes from, why it’s so hard to shake, and how to gently (and safely) write a new script this year.

What Is “Good Girl Holiday Programming”?

Good Girl Holiday Programming is the set of internalized rules that tells women to:

• keep everyone happy
• keep the peace
• keep the traditions
• keep the house running
• keep the food flowing
• keep the smiles up
• keep accommodating
• keep doing more
• keep never disappointing anyone

It’s holiday performance as emotional insurance.
A nervous system strategy dressed in garland.

And it’s not your fault.

These rules were taught to you,  in explicit ways (“be nice,” “don’t be difficult”) and in much quieter ones (the look, the tone, the sigh).

But underneath the expectations and emotional labor…

There’s something deeper happening in the body: somatic coupling.

How Good Girls Are Made: The Somatic Version

Somatic coupling is what happens when the body links two experiences together so tightly that they feel like the same thing.

For many women, childhood or early life taught them:

• Appeasing = safety
• Making others comfortable = belonging
• Being agreeable = avoiding conflict
• Doing everything yourself = not being a burden
• Overserving = being valued
• Never disappointing = staying connected

These weren’t conscious choices.
These were survival strategies.

Your nervous system learned the rules long before you could articulate them.

And the holidays?
They amplify every one of these pairings.

The 10 Most Common Good Girl Holiday Programs

Here’s what this looks like in real life:

1. The “Don’t Disappoint Anyone” Program

You say yes automatically because “no” is fused with fear, guilt, or rejection.

2. The “I’ll Just Do It” Program

You take on extra tasks because being needed feels safer than delegating and risking conflict.

3. The “I Should Love Every Minute” Program

You perform holiday joy, even when you’re overwhelmed or numb.

4. The “Make It Magical for Everyone Else” Program

Your entire sense of worth becomes tied to everyone else’s experience.

5. The “Keep the Peace” Program

You absorb tension, instead of expressing your own needs, because conflict feels like danger.

6. The “I Can Handle It” Program

Hyper-independence becomes your holiday identity.

7. The “But It’s Tradition” Program

Even when the tradition drains you, feels outdated, or no longer fits your life.

8. The “Smiling Through It” Program

You override your own exhaustion because you feel responsible for the emotional tone.

9. The “Don’t Make It About You” Program

You minimize your needs because you learned needs = burden.

10. The “If I Stop, Everything Falls Apart” Program

You carry more than your share because stopping feels unsafe.

If you’re nodding… you’re not alone.
You’re not dramatic.
You’re not “doing the holidays wrong.”

You’re living inside a nervous system that learned to survive by pleasing, appeasing, and performing.

Why the Holidays Make This So Much Worse

For many women, the holidays activate:

Old roles

You return, physically or emotionally, to the environment where you first learned these rules.

Old expectations

Family systems love consistency. They expect you to play your part.

Old sensory cues

Scents, locations, voices, rituals: all of them re-activate body memory.

The “Be Grateful” pressure

Good Girls aren’t allowed to feel stressed, resentful, tired, or overwhelmed.

The emotional labor surge

Someone has to hold the group together… and it’s usually you.

This isn’t just holiday overwhelm-
it’s somatic overload wrapped in nostalgia.

The Somatic Cost of Good Girl Holiday Programming

When your system is operating under outdated rules, the cost often looks like:

• exhaustion you can’t rest your way out of
• resentment (usually at yourself, not others)
• numbing or emotional disconnection
• guilt for wanting less
• guilt for wanting more
• fear of letting someone down
• feeling misunderstood or unseen
• pressure to hold everything together
• being the emotional sponge in every room

This is the body saying:

“This role is too big, but I don’t know how to put it down.”

How to Gently Uncouple the Good Girl Holiday Programs

Let’s be clear:
You don’t need to burn everything down or “confront your whole family” this year.

Holiday uncoupling is slow, gentle, somatic work.

Here are realistic, body-honoring ways to start:

1. Choose one thing to not do.

Let your body learn that the holiday still happens even if you do less.

2. Ask for help one time.

Not because you can’t do it,  but because you’re practicing receiving.

3. Let one thing be imperfect.

A side dish, the wrapping, the timing, the schedule.
Good enough is revolutionary.

4. Take a micro-rest before you’ve earned it.

Two minutes. Feet on the ground. Slow exhale.
Teach your body rest = allowed.

5. Let someone else’s feelings belong to them.

You do not have to absorb or fix.

6. Say one small, low-stakes “no.”

Your system needs evidence that boundaries don’t equal disconnection.

7. Notice the rules instead of obeying them.

“Oh, this is that old ‘don’t disappoint anyone’ rule again.”

Awareness creates space.

8. Allow one tiny moment of genuine joy.

Not performative joy…real joy.
Five seconds counts.

You don’t have to change your whole holiday season.
You just have to show your body that there is another way.

A Soft Closing for Your Good Girl Heart

If the holidays feel heavy, it’s not because you’re not grateful.
It’s not because you’re “too sensitive” or “too emotional.”

It’s because your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do:

Protect connection at any cost.

But you deserve a holiday where you aren’t the emotional manager of the universe.
You deserve a holiday where presence matters more than performance.
You deserve rest, joy, choice, and support.

You deserve a new script.

And it’s okay to start writing one now.