Hello December. Hellllllo Mom Guilt.
Let’s just start this blog with, HA! I was laughing at myself as I titled this blog, suggesting that mom guilt is either A) Just now showing up in the month of December and/or B) Only present during the month of December. Double HA! And as I write this, I kid you not, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” is now playing. The irony is not lost on me. Santa Claus, that jolly old man, that gets ALL. THE. CREDIT.
Oh, the many things we realize when we become a mom. I read some post a while back that said something like “All those awesome Christmases you had as a child were thanks to your mom.” And the beauty and the beast in all of that is we don’t realize that until we, too, become adults, moms, parents, caregivers, etc. Of course, it isn’t always the mom that makes things special, hopefully there are many special-making people in our lives growing up, but I’ll go out on a limb here and say- in general, moms often do the majority of the Christmasing.
This Christmas season is particularly “spinny” for me. I am a single mom, now (God, that feels so vulnerable and so freeing to type), and with that I hold upon my shoulders the (personally put upon myself) responsibility to not let my daughter have any less of a wonderful holiday because of her parents separation. And yes, I know the many pieces of warm feedback I have given over the years to others in my current situation. “Practice compassion.” “Know that you are enough and that your presence is what matters most.” Etc. etc. And I meant those and I still do. And doctors smoke cigarettes. We don’t always have the discipline to practice what we preach at every moment.
My daughter is three years old. I just had a conversation with one of my 3-year-old-having best friends (who also coincidentally texted me today saying, “Is parenting supposed to feel like Mono? Just low-grade sick and tired every day.” I digress, but she’s not wrong. She gets me) about how we would not yet start the “Elf on the Shelf” tradition because. Yes, because period. If I need explain more, you haven’t had to do it yet. Or you have all the time in the world and for that, I commend you.
Well, unfortunately I did not also have this conversation with my daughter’s father soon enough, and he and his new partner had decided they would be starting the tradition this year. So, thank you, Amazon, we now have Elf on the Shelf at both houses. And the rabbit hole I went down took longer to get out of than the package did to be delivered. “Am I not a good enough mom?” “What if they do it better than me?” “Are we going to have the plan tight enough that she will really think this elf travels between the two houses and the North Pole?” “Will my ideas be creative enough?” “Will she like it over there better?” The list is much longer than I care to continue to type, but you get the point.
I get riled up in all of this with the main themes being: self-doubt, guilt, and wanting to control all possible outcomes. My view of the world becomes narrower, possibility goes out the window, fear starts to control, and I feel as though I cannot rely on anyone but myself. Sound familiar to any of you? And the real kicker here is, not only does this season present me with some new challenges as a single mom, but also of course my own child parts get kicked on.
This year I am becoming more aware of the different parts of me as I experience this holiday season. The child part of me, the teenage part of me, and the present-day adult part. Not to mention, the mom part, who wants her daughter to have all the happy memories of Christmas. It is kind of trippy, actually, reparenting myself in ways while also parenting a toddler. Maybe that is a whole separate blog.
I actually love Christmas and this time of year and it also brings up oh so many feelings. I really do appreciate a good dialectic, but damn, having so many opposing feelings all at once can feel really overwhelming. The hope versus the disappointment. The expectation versus the reality. The excitement versus the sadness. And on and on.
Today, I reminded myself of the things that matter the most. My daughter is loved by so many people. She actually doesn’t know Christmas much differently than it’ll be this year. We get to snuggle by an awesomely decorated white Christmas tree as we watch Christmas movies. And it is my job to challenge this mom guilt, know that I am doing my absolute best, and who the hell cares if my Elf isn’t hanging by Christmas lights from the rafters (kidding, kind of)?
FYI, I’ve moved on to listening to Stevie Nicks as I close this out. Christmas music wasn’t working for me anymore. Thankfully, we are flexible creatures with Spotify at our fingertips.
In warmth and health this holiday season,
Tesa
