When Mother’s Day is Complicated- Finding Resilience Through It All

By: Shaye Mueller

Mother’s Day is a day dedicated to the beauty, gratitude, joy, and celebration of motherhood. But for so many of us, Mother's day is not all pink carnations or frilly brunch buffets. So often, it feels like the complete opposite.

But if there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that you are not alone in this. While most of us may not show it, Mother’s Day is hard for a large chunk of us- I mean, we all have a mother after all. Mother’s Day feels complicated because the truth is that motherhood is just plain complicated.

And for those who have experienced infertility or trauma related to motherhood, Mother’s day can feel like a landmine of triggers that become challenging to navigate. Commercials reminding you to buy Edible Arrangements start popping up as you’re watching TV. Ads for flowers begin to appear on your social media timeline. You see restaurants posting fliers for their “Mother’s Day specials” while commuting to work. Sometimes, it can feel like you’re being bombarded by messages about what Mother’s Day is supposed to be. More often than not, the day acts as a yearly calendar reminder that we are going to be sore and triggered.

The emotions that we normally have surrounding this topic may feel like they're being turned up a dial leading up to Mother’s Day. For those that have experienced infertility, those feelings may be yearning, anger, or envy. For those that have experienced loss, grief may be extra loud at this time. Or for those who have experienced trauma or other hardship related to motherhood, feelings of sadness, resentment, or dread may come up. Don't be alarmed as this is completely normal and understandable.

Coping through Mother’s Day can be hard, but it is not impossible. And step one is to recognize your feelings about it and honor that this is hard. Avoiding the way you truly feel can lead to added stress and invalidation of your emotions. Although it may sound hard to believe, in giving these feelings space to breathe, you may actually find some relief. There are many ways to do this including talking with a friend, working with your therapist, or expressing them through journaling. Shamelessly, the art therapist in me will always encourage you to lean into some creative outlets too if that feels comfortable for you. No matter how you do it, just know that you do not always have to put on a brave face. This is really hard and that’s okay.

Connecting with others who too are struggling with Mother’s Day can be a helpful way to cope  as well. There are countless groups and communities available to you that can connect you with others who are also struggling with infertility, loss, or trauma related to motherhood. Don’t be afraid to reach out- many feel comfort in knowing that they are not alone in their pain. And don’t be afraid to lean on your support system at this time too. This is not something you have to bear alone. 

Not to sound like a therapist's broken record, but it is also important to engage with self care to help cope through hard days like this. When we really strip it down to its core, I (personally) feel like the root of Mother’s Day is really all about love- giving, receiving, honoring, and coveting it. And deep down, I think we all crave that unique kind of love. So, when our reality during Mother’s Day does not match those expectations we have, it can feel disappointing as hell. This is why self care is so important on Mother’s Day. I want to challenge you to ask yourself this question: How can I give myself the love I need and deserve on this very hard day? Maybe that looks like your favorite dinner and movie, a massage, or giving yourself the grace to say no to a day of plans that would otherwise cause you a great deal of distress. I know that it will not be the same, but you still deserve to feel love and comfort on this day in whatever way that is possible for you. 

The last thing I want you to remember is that Mother’s Day is just a day. It does not last forever and it will come to an end. In my work, I frequently hear how triggering anniversaries and holidays can be- and Mother’s Day is no exception. Accepting that it is just a day can be helpful in getting through it all. And you will get through it, I promise. 

No matter if you are struggling with infertility, becoming a new parent, or have a trauma history, you are not alone in navigating the rollercoaster that is Mother’s Day. Here at Embody + Mind Collective, we specialize in helping people cope with and navigate through these struggles. If this resonated with you and you’d like to schedule an appointment with us, you can do so by clicking here. 

Wishing you comfort, warmth, and all good things,

Shaye