By: Milo Crosswhite, MA, Art Therapist

Mom Guilt rarely shows up because you are doing too little. More often, it shows up because you are already doing too much.

Before becoming a parent, I thought Mom Guilt was mostly about struggling to prioritize yourself. I imagined it looking like difficulty spending money on yourself, taking breaks, or asking for help. And while it can look like that, I now understand it differently as both a parent and clinician.

Now, as a parent and clinician, I see Mom Guilt differently. I hear the phrase all the time, but it means something different for each person. The thing is, Mom Guilt shows up when you are already doing so much, probably too much.

I used to like to push myself to capacity, hyperfocus, drop into flow and stay as long as possible. I was not the priority, the deadline was, the project was (This specifically is supported in our culture). If we are used to putting ourselves at the bottom of the priority list before kids, we often continue that pattern in parenthood. This is not motherhood martyrdom, it is an attempt to create more time, to keep up, and to make life great for our kids. We tell ourselves we just need to finish one more task, clean one more thing, answer one more email. Meanwhile, our nervous systems stay rushed and overextended, leaving us physically present but emotionally unavailable. We are rushed and multi-tasking, leaving us feeling like we aren’t enough. We can quickly shame ourselves into thinking if only…

Maybe you find yourself thinking:

If there were more hours in the day…
If I had more support…
If the house stayed cleaner…
If the kids fought less…

Then I would finally feel like I was doing enough.

It’s actually here that we begin to heal our Mom Guilt from within. What are you saying to yourself to justify your distress? What spice of shame are you using to should yourself into doing better next time? Are you projecting your distress onto others, showing up as rage or irritability?

This is often where healing begins.

Not by avoiding the distress or shaming yourself out of it, but by becoming curious about what the guilt is trying to communicate. It is in the distress that we need to become curious. Avoidance will keep us stuck, shamed, and feeling guilty.

What’s your why? – What is bothering you and why? Why do you want to show up to every single basketball game? Why are you stacking your day without pause?

Okay, great. You may have come up with an obvious answer. Now ask yourself again. Why is this important to you? What does it mean if you cannot meet your goal? How does that feel?

Now, take a moment and think about your why again. Why do you want to show up for your kids in this way? Were you supported in this way? Did you need to be supported in this way?

One of the ways Mom Guilt shows up in us is through our unhealed childhood wounds. We want to show up to the games because we wanted our parents to show up for us, the way we needed them to. Maybe they did show up but it didn’t feel like it was for us. Maybe they missed the mark, and we want to show up differently. Maybe they couldn’t show up due to work commitments and that hurt, even if it was explained.

Your Mom Guilt is not your fault and it very rarely means you are those nasty things you came up with in your mind – Try again. You might be an overstimulated mom, or an overwhelmed mom, underappreciated, or under-resourced.

Addressing your challenges creates space for motherhood without unhelpful guilt. When parents feel more supported and connected to themselves, generational patterns can begin to shift. Empowered parents create change and make connection.

We address our challenges where we are, not when we can perfectly unpack it. Sometimes we put off getting help or utilizing our resources, believing we are too underwater, too much to deal with. You can go to therapy in the thick of it and on the edge of crying. Seek support as you are, not when you are ‘perfect enough.’

Have you been noticing Mom Guilt creeping up, interfering with your day? ‘Tis the season. You do not have to wait until you are less overwhelmed, less emotional, or “holding it together better” to seek support.

Therapy can be a space to bring the guilt, resentment, grief, exhaustion, tenderness, and pressure exactly as they are.If any of these ideas resonate with you, and you would like to address some of that Mom Guilt, please reach out to schedule therapy curated for you. I work with moms and parents of many constellations to process the challenges facing them. In sessions, I utilize multiple modalities, including talk therapy, art therapy, and somatic embodiment.